Had an intense trauma-processing therapy session this week. I recorded it, with my therapist’s instructions to listen to it a couple times during the week and objectively observe the recording for themes, insights, etc. I talked for about 25 minutes processing the day my parents found out I was gay, the events leading up to it, and the subsequent fallout and ultimate estrangement.
I broke down in the middle of it when he asked what sorts of things I was thinking and feeling at that time of my life. I talked about how all I wanted was to die. About how on many (most?) nights, I’d cry myself to sleep after clawing at my face with my fingernails wishing I could kill myself, or run away, or just die. I was 17.
Re-living it was hard, but just talking through it in a quasi “clinical” and safe environment with him helped me remove myself from it a little bit. Like, telling him about it and giving it all a beginning, middle, and end somehow allowed me to compartmentalize it a little.
Unfortunately, when I went back later in the week to listen to the recording and observe what I’d talked about, I learned the iPhone screen recording didn’t pick up any audio. It’s not something I want to re-record, so I’m not sure where we’ll go with this. I will say the whole trauma of growing up gay doesn’t feel exactly as big in my head as it always has. If I’m giving it a number, I’d say I was at an 8 or 9 or 10 with it all, and now I’m maybe at a solid 8.
On Saturday, at the SMART Recovery meeting I go to online, the facilitator talked a little about how when we’re abusing alcohol or other substances, we’re kind of always looking over our shoulder. We spend a lot of time being afraid of the potential negative consequences of our actions. That tracks. That definitely tracks.
It occurred to me that I don’t think we do that same thing with positive consequences, and I wonder why. Like, we don’t (or at least I don’t) ever ruminate on how I might’ve made someone’s day better by holding a door open, or how the very act of talking about and being visible in practicing sobriety and recovery may help someone. That there are positive consequences to many of our actions.
Maybe we don’t think about that because positive consequences generally aren’t scary or unwelcome. But really, I feel like they can be just as significant as negative consequences. Maybe that’s part of what having a gratitude practice is all about. Making time for and creating space to think about positivity, positive intentions, and positive consequences.
I do still worry, though, about being remembered for my last worst mistake. I think that would crush me. I think it’d do worse than that, if I’m honest.
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Highlights
📺 Watching
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Severance; I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson; Resident Alien; The Morning Show; A Black Lady Sketch Show; EVIL; The Muppet Show (Phyllis Diller); Abbott Elementary; The Righteous Gemstones; Last Week Tonight with John Oliver; The Hotwives of Orlando; Difficult People; What We Do In The Shadows; 30 Rock; Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt; Arrested Development
🍿 Viewing
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Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (2017); The Godfather (1972); Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery (2022)
📚 Reading
🍽️ Eating
🎧 Listening
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Belly; The Black Crowes; Born Again Floozies; Boy George; Mariah Carey; Terence Trent D’Arby; Eurythmics; Lesley Gore; Whitney Houston; Lady Gaga; Michael Jackson; Sinead O’Connor; Liz Phair; Prince; Prince & The Revolution; Queen; Queen Latifah; Maria Rita; Siouxsie & The Banshees; Spice Girls; Stevie Wonder; Norma Tanega; Throwing Muses; White Town
📰 Scanning
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🙏 Thanking
- Reliable information
- Positive consequences
- A clean home office
🩺 Healing
Hot stone massage; SMART Recovery meeting (online, in-person); therapist; made plans to take a long weekend vacation with husband
